what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
