I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
