matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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