You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
