Can i not drive my cunt home
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
My ass is underappreciated
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
