hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
