some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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