Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
