So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
