watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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