I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
