I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
