Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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