guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
