The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
