I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
