Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
