where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Im part way to drunk.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
