My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
