I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
