Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
