I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
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