So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
