Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
