oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
