When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
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I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
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I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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