Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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