i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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