you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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