so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
