having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
