Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I deserve this hangover.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
