You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
