I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
only you would photoshop your dick
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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