Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Don't EVER smell your tampon
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
