Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
