can u get pink eye on your cock?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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