He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
