So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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