First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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