o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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