I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Semen is not good for contacts.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
