im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
