Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
