You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
