Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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