We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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