is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
