The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
