Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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