If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
