And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
