No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
