So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Please, let me fuck your mom
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
