I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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