before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
