No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
